Cycles
“Goodmorning Ms….?”
“Keisha Lyall…” she stammered a bit, almost blowing her cover. It’d be disastrous to her and anyone related to her the day they find out she is a Keller. Though she wouldn’t care whatever happened, she just didn’t want to have anything to do with that family’s identity. But with that aside, she could hardly mask the delight she felt inside, seeing the admirable gentleman before her. Whether it was pure admiration or not, she had her current record to judge her for that.
“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” Todd extended a hand which was well received by her. She quickly nudged Mitch to the side to scold him.
“When you were inviting me to see your “friend” why didn’t you tell me he was a pastor? Even worse, why didn’t you tell me he was this fiiine?” She whispered, hoping to not be heard.
Before Mitch could say anything she cut him.
“I could have dressed a bit more-“
“Hush it, silly girl. You may play your games with me but not him. Now focus,” he rubbed her hair, twirling her back to the youth pastor who stood behind them grinning a little more widely. Keisha could feel her heart in her stomach.
“You have to stop that,” she squeezed her face lightly.
“So where were we?” Todd asked.
“Where you had your pleasure,” She replied without thinking of how that sounded. And she wouldn’t have realized if not for the shock that drew on the gentlemen’s faces.
“Oops, that came out just wrong. I’m so sorry, Pastor Todd,” she flinched a bit, feeling embarrassed.
“Please… Todd is just fine and don’t worry. It’s a pleasure after all, to meet you…” he harrumphed.
“You know what, I might just drop the pleasure and just say you’re welcome,” Todd sighed, feeling a bit flustered after that.
“Make yourselves comfortable, “ he showed them to the single couches which were positioned at one side of his office, adjacent each other. Mitch shot her a threatening look before she could say anything suggestive to that.
“Thank you…” Mitch replied, feeling anxious as to how the next line of conversation would go. They both sat and by this time, Keisha deduced it’d be best to stay silent but Todd was more interested in hearing what she had to say.
“Ms Keisha so Mitch tells me you are quite interested in our little project,” he asked.
“Erm…” she looked at Mitch with questionable eyes, still trying to mask her feelings.
“I think so. But first of, I think you can drop the formalities if we’re going to have a casual conversation,” she gave a smug smile.
“That’s alright. So if I may ask what do you do?”
“I am … I mean I …. Just a moment,” she leaned closer to Mitch’s ear and whispered.
“I think your friend wants to know what I’m really good at. Well I’m good at conning senior citizens, does it count?”
“Are you kidding me, Keisha? You could tell him exactly what you do. You are a waitress. That’s what you do,”
“I want to make a good impression. Waitress is too simple,”
“Ugh! Who cares about impression? Well if that’s important to you, you could tell him you’re a writer, at least that’s impressive and not a vice,” he whispered back.
She paused at the thought. It wasn’t a bad idea but she had promised herself to block that part of her life. Her whole world never believed in that gift and now she doesn’t believe in it anymore. That was her last resort to get her mother’s approval and it failed terribly when she was labelled a literary pirate. For a moment, she forgot she was with company as she took another dosage of the disappointment she suffered that day.
****
Three years ago
Three years ago, things were beginning to look up for her after she was pulled out of school and had now adjusted to the working lifestyle. Her mother was generous enough to be a fair boss to her though she could hardly stand the sight of her, given the great embarrassment she brought her. Was it so wrong for her to wish for a little more from her daughter than what she was doing? How could she be given everything she needed and wanted yet fail miserably in her education? The results she brought from her eighth grade was a disaster and at that point, even she could not defend her in front of her father. He was through. He was going to pull her out of school and that was final. Sally always wondered if that was a good decision and if she should have taken responsibility for her when Brent gave up on her. The answer was hard to find especially because she had just started her restaurant business and wasn’t sure if her daughter was worth that investment. She figured it’d be best to employ her there and to make her earn her keep then she could decide what to do with her money- whether to go back to school or to build a life.
Unlike her mother, she wasn’t thinking the way her mother did. She thought she was brought to the restaurant because it was a punishment for being such a failure so she expended her energy trying to find a way to gain her mother’s approval and hopefully, her attention even though at that time, Sally had hurt her gravely. It was just around the time that she encountered Dwayne who took an interest in her and discovered her potential. After giving her one chance some time to write and direct a production when his assistant playwright bailed out on them, he knew his troupe was already on its way to paradise.
Unfortunately when business got mixed with selfish pleasures, he wrote her off as a plagiarist who just likes to milk from the professionals using her desirable qualities as a woman. He splashed out obscene photos of the life he introduced her to and labelled her as a Slick Jade to the tabloids. They also did a good job spreading the story with a lot more flavour just to drive traffic to their sites and to widen their audience. This ploy Dwayne put together affected her direly in her whole career as a writer especially because she was going to stage her maiden ballad, The Mirror.
She had her whole family invited- at least those that cared, to come watch the work of her hands and just a week to the execution, she was hit. All because, she denied him her body just one time ever since they got together. He forgot the dangers he put her through: the drugs for her to get high enough to do his bidding, the babies he had her flash down the toilet, the mars he inflicted on her body and the other things which were too shameful to speak of.
The truth was, he never told the media she was the writer behind those great pieces. He never mentioned her name, yet there was always a name to which the credit was given: his. It was when desperation set in and she needed the merits of her work to survive that she found out what Dwayne had done, and by that time, it was too late to save herself from being called a plagiarist.
“You must have gotten ahead of yourself to think those claps and compliments were for you, girl,” he snorted.
She had silently gone through it all with one goal in mind- to let her family know, her mother know, that she was impressive too like her siblings, that though she was slow in understanding certain things, she was definitely not dumb. She earnestly looked forward to that day she’d appear after the curtains draw to be revealed as the wordsmith of one of her best works, The Mirror but that day never came. The humiliation which replaced the glory she banked on that day was too massive for her to continue living in the house. If she wasn’t sure whether or not her mother wanted her close before, now she was convinced that she was a scum in her eyes. She took every piece she had ever written and tossed it into the fireplace in her bedroom, never to write again.
****
Present
“Keisha?”
“Um… sorry. I lost myself a moment,”
“I thought I heard you are a writer…”
“Is that all you heard?”
“Is that what you wish I heard?”
Keisha looked at him closely and managed a smile. It seemed to her that this pastor would be an interesting one, no surprise that Mitch would address him as a friend before a pastor.
“Do you still write?”
“I don’t and I want it to stay that way,” she replied sternly, devoid of any possible compromise.
“Why not?”
“I lost interest, that’s all…”
“What if a friend wants you to help him out?”
“A friend?” She shot a glowering look at Mitch and he was clueless what that was about.
“Not him, but me…”
“We are friends?”
“That’s if you’ll have me as one.” She wasn’t expecting that. For the longest time, she had grown used to men befriending her with the same goal of getting into bed with her but this proposal sounded genuine and clean of such motives.
“Erm… I suppose it wouldn’t be a bad idea. That is, if you don’t keep poking me with your judgy sticks,” she replied.
“Then we are officially friends now. Thank you Keisha…” And to think none of her “old friends” were this courteous to her after using her.
“So… if I may ask again, that who is Keisha, what would you tell me as a friend?”
This wasn’t supposed to feel awkward but that’s how she felt. Why was it so hard for her to scrape an answer from her head. She started out on this conversation hoping to make a good impression. Now wouldn’t be a good time to tell him who she thought she was! It would ruin everything and then again, her new pure friend would be sullied, knowing her identity. For Mitch, she could care less about what he’d think. After all, they both knew what they were capable of doing but Todd? If she didn’t have a problem with his Jesus she could have sworn that he was his biological brother or son- really, any of the two would be doubtlessly plausible.
“Ermm…” Todd saw the struggle the young lady went through but he thought the junk needed to be puked out to make room for the healthy.
All at once, as if those voices have just been awakened, they began to drown her from within, such that she didn’t realize when she started spouting what she heard.
“I am a failure, a burden. I am good for nothing…” she would have continued if Mitch hadn’t held her. She didn’t see when he got up to squat by her. And even he felt the tension in her heart.
“It’s okay…” he told her, rubbing her gently on her shoulders while she stared at him exhausted. Beads of sweat glided down her temple and she looked clueless as to what just happened.
“What happened?” Mitch would have said something but he figured it wouldn’t be a good idea to let her know.
“You might have dozed off a bit too hard, I had to catch you,” he said.
“Oh… right.”
“I believe you deserve some rest, Keisha. As to the little favour I asked, I’d let you know on your next visit. I hope to see you again and soon since we are now friends,” Todd gently tapped her and got back to his desk.
“Let’s get you home,” Mitch nudged her. They both asked for their leave and left. The rest of the journey back to her apartment was rather short and silent as they rode on a bus.
“Are you going to be alright at home alone? You could spend the afternoon with Naomi if you’d want,” he suggested.
“No. I’ll be fine,” she said.
“I’ll go grab a nosh-up from downstairs then. I’ll be back,”
“You don’t have to do this, hood boy,”
“Let me decide that,” and he was gone. She heard him climb down the stairs hurriedly and wondered why he’d rush for her. No one ever cared whether she lived or died so why would he?
Feeling those nippy things crouch at her chest, she quickly dashed to the toilet and threw up again. She could feel the life of her slowly seeping out of her body but she believed she was strong enough to look healthy. In a few minutes, Mitch returned with their snack and found the place empty with the front door the way he left it. After calling her a few times, he heard the sound from their toilet. It didn’t sound right but he wasn’t going to barge in on her, was he?
“Is everything alright with you over there?” he heard no intelligible words. He could only trust that it was nothing serious.
“I got you a package from the diner. I’m leaving it behind on your dining table. I’ll check on you again, tonight,” he said and left.
****
She stood in front of their bathroom mirror and couldn’t hold back the tears which filled her eyes. Unlike “her unknown rival” her eyes were like a flowing stream. She cried so much that she was losing the colour on her face by the day. In her hand was a little device which was supposed to break an important news to her. Rather than feel happy, she felt bitter and angry and depressed. Another child was to come and meet this colourless home devoid of the warmth a house should have. Ever since they got married, she had counted down the days to when she’d finally have a child for her husband, rightly his, and now that she sees the results, she felt anything but happy. A few days ago, he had denied her the chance of even touching him casually not to speak of the intimate level. It was there she saw that she had lost him but she knew better to not complain. As she’s always believed, their marriage was more of a favour to her than to him. He had nothing to lose but what about her?
She washed her face and picked up her coat. She needed to clear her mind, she needed to vent, but who would listen? Maybe if she did her part in all the jobs she’d taken before, she’d be too busy to be concerned about all these things. Now she was jobless and that gave her more time to sulk about things.
She barely made it down the stairs when she run into Ms. Morrey who stopped her unexpectedly.
“Marissa?” she called her softly, her voice wavy with emotion or old age. Her throat was too tight to reply. She sniffled the whole time.
“Come with me,” she took her hands with her wrinkled ones and slowly led her to her flat. She poured her a glass of milk with a saucer filled with cookies and set it in front of her. She was aware her guest would most likely not eat but many years of entertaining guests made her hospitality stick more to her person.
“Now, talk to me. What is it? Or no, what has your husband done this time?” Knowing whatever got her upset would most likely be because of him.
Snivelling, she shook her head. That was a first, making the old lady more curious to know what had happened.
“Then what is it, dear?”
Hesitatingly, she took out the pregnancy test device from her coat’s pocket and showed it to her. Ms. Morrey’s next expression would ask her why she wasn’t happy.
“Ms. Morrey I can’t afford a pregnancy right now,” she sobbed.
“Not when he silently throws the jabs at me for trapping him into getting married to me. No, I’m not going to let him think I want to trap him with this pregnancy too!” She cried.
“Oh my dear girl,” she drew closer to her and laid her head on her chest. The minty vanilla scent from her person soothed the disturbed mother’s nerves a bit when she calmed down a little and sobbed softly into that warm embrace.
“It’s going to be alright, my dear. Everything is going to work out but until then you have to be strong for your little boy. You don’t want to teach him to be a crybaby, do you? Or to grow up resenting his stepdad. In fact, scratch that, his father. After all, he’s the only father he’s ever known and I know your husband has been good to him as a father would,” she gently patted her back.
“You’d be fine before you know it. Right now, let’s think of some nice knitted socks we can make for our up and coming new family member, ok?” She smiled warmly and got her specimen book which was filled with different knitted designs as well as scribbles of clothing on some sheets. In a haste to change the gloomy atmosphere, she thought it’d be a good idea to start immediately and she was going to need her toolkit for it.
“Albie? Would you fetch me my toolkit from my vanity closet?” She called out to her granddaughter who was busily studying for a test in her room.
“Yes grandma,” she yelled back.
In a few moments, the little lady returned with a white plastic box and set it in front of her grandmother. She always loved to see her needlework.
“Where’s your brother?”
“He and Darren are both playing at the football field they made for themselves at the backyard,” she leaned closer to see what her grandmother was glancing at in the book. She hardly noticed Marissa’s presence.
“Oh dear, my yarns are all done. I thought I had at least a bundle more to get some mittens done,” she sighed.
“Albie dear, you’ve been indoors all day, how about you stretch those little legs and get me one of those blue yarns from across the street? It shouldn’t be far from Ms. Naomi’s diner. If you don’t get one you can return, I’ll get some later when I visit town,” Ms Morrey said.
“Yes grandma. May I get myself a candy if I get some cents after that?,” working her puppy eye magic on the old lady.
“As usual. Help yourself. Remember more candies mean more dentist visits,” Ms Morrey reminded her and she scowled at the sound of that.
“Stay out of trouble…,” and she was out before she could add anything else.
“Thank you so much for all you do for me, Ms Morrey,” Marissa said.
“Oh please, don’t. I’ll do that and more for you if I have to,” she cupped her cheek which still felt damp with tears.
“But why?”
“Because you remind me of the mother of those two kids,” she sighed.
“Your daughter?”
“Mmhmm. How I wish she was brave like you,”
“Like me?”
“Yes, like you. She knew she made a mistake yet she wasn’t strong enough to stand by them like you. She had those two children and dumped them right here in front of the door not allowing me as much as a glimpse of her.”
“I’m sorry about that,”
“It’s not your place to apologize, dear. She’s the only one to do that,” Ms Morrey started setting up the space for her needlework. Marissa admired the kind of heart she had but she still couldn’t wrap her mind around something she’s seen her do.
“You look like you want to ask me something,” The old lady interrupted her thoughts.
“I don’t know if I should but I mean, you really are a nice person apart from the fact that we have cell together but I usually hear you… you know, scold one of our neighbors almost every time and it got me feeling a bit intimidated by that-“
“I understand your difficulty. Those freeloaders have been trouble since they came here and I really don’t know why Naomi puts up with them but Naomi made a good point when she told me violence was not going to change anything.”
“Really?”
“ Have you met those girls? I think you should. Perhaps, they’d work your nerves good enough to help you stop feeling all these gloominess,” she quipped.
“Maybe I should,” she laughed softly at that and they continued the day with little conversations and soft laughs.
****
A few hours later, she had gotten a good rest to head to the diner for her evening shift when she heard a faint knock on the door. Almost too faint to be heard.
“Albie?” It was a surprise to see her after so many days and now she sees her and could tell something was wrong. She was trembling, her eyes were swollen, her hair a mess, and she looked like she clenched something in her hand. The girl looked too terrified to keep her standing out the door, she guided her in and closed the door.
“What is that?” She pointed to the clenched fist. She slowly loosened it and saw a squeezed dollar note with a few cents and some sticky candy liquid soiling the note.
She took a moment to relax herself. What she saw gave her chills but she wanted to hope it wasn’t what she thought.
“Can you talk?” She asked her.
She replied shaking her head.
“Tell you what, rest in my room and we can talk about this when you’re ready ok?” She patted her back a little awkwardly.
“No… please don’t go” she cried faintly.
“Alright… let’s work something out. Naomi needs me at the diner tonight. I don’t think she’d mind if you come with me but you’d need to stop crying, at least for now. Can you do that?” Albie nodded. They both left the apartment together and headed down to the diner.
Thescrolla 