Chapter Thirty

The show finally drew its curtains and the five friends were rounded up by their makeshift wagon, Todd’s Shirley to be exact. They did not wait for the second session for obvious reasons. It was no doubt that their first night at the show was a hard one for them, especially for the cagey girl whose past was drawn out and aired out for all to see again. It was hard to tell how she was taking it, seeing how she leaned on the other side of the truck, alone with arms wrapped around herself and kicking the dirt like some jittery teenage girl. 

“Alright, I think we’ve outdone ourselves today. How about a nice evening happy hour over a couple of drinks and meat?”, Todd announced.

“Sounds like some fun we could all use,” Laureen agreed but with a little more excitement which made her feel awkward. Their usual fun club had now become a tough crowd. One after another they heaved themselves onto Shirley as if she were a horse and Todd started it. As they drove by the massive building, they could hardly miss running into the company they now dreaded. 

“We look forward to your spectacular show in the summer, friends! Don’t forget you made your challenge, Your Highness  or shall I say, Your Royal Queen Jade?”  Dwayne burst out in laughter together with his troupe and spat all kinds of obscenities about his flings with Keisha to the others. She sat still, with head still high and only smirked in disgust at what he did, as if they were missing something only she knew. 

“Watch your back, bro” Mitch said with a tone that sounded like a threat but it only amused the shameless guy more.

“I already did man, and I saw you there but you should watch yours too or should I tell that to your mistress? Since we already know what you’re capable of,” he hooted. 

Todd couldn’t take another of this and just sped off away from there. He was beginning to think it was a bad idea to come for the show in the first place. Apart from the part that it didn’t measure up to his expectations, he had put his friend in a bad place to be humiliated beyond remedy. But he was impressed with how she handled everything with her wit. If all those people would be honest with themselves, they’d probably see that she won the crowd over when she leveraged on her degrading reputation to pose a challenge. Although his initial plan for their show had nothing to do with competing, he felt he owed Keisha this much for allowing what was supposed to be a simple show to now be one of significance which would hopefully restore her lost face. Who knows? Perhaps if they could talk God into it, He’d far exceed their expectations but this lady needed to meet with Him soon and he thought tonight would be a good start to introduce her.

****

The motel was gradually getting emptied of its people and the people who had been there couldn’t help but stare surreptitiously at the team who had just arrived. Jefferson wondered what that was all about but he was too busy to spare it any further thought. He was already calculating how long he had to stay in prime time now that the production was climaxing. 

“Lauré!” He yelled. One of the few times he came close to mentioning her name. It had always been Hey you with anyone he’s ever worked with. 

Laureen hurried to him and he instructed her to come up with a game plan for their next season of scarcity, whatever that meant. It looked like he was having a hard time processing the fact that they wouldn’t stay prime forever. 

“Um… Yes sir,” she replied still wondering what he meant by that but felt it would be needless to ask. 

“Good good good. I trust you will com up with somtin spegtagular!” He said with a drawl as he wore his coat and a wide grin on his face. Laureen couldn’t be amused. She had heard enough of that spectacular word for one night. 

“Chop, chop,” he gave her two heavy pats which felt nothing like one and trudged through the disappearing crowd in his motel out the door. He was done for the day and he had that whiskey smell around him to show for it.

“Alright, let me get some meat sizzling over the fire,” she clapped and darted straight into the kitchen. 

“I’ll help her in there. You all can rest a bit we’ll… handle it ,” Dave stepped out from them to join her, still in his overprotective gear.

“Dave…” an all too familiar voice called him. He was dreading this moment more than anything.

“Thank you isn’t something I’m used to but… for what you did back there… I think I can say one…” she gave him a half smile and continued to her room.

“Count your blessings, man” Mitch clamped his shoulder and both he and Todd continued after her to take off their uniforms. Behind his nose mask which covered more than his nose, he smiled softly but he couldn’t stop thinking about the nonsense Dwayne told back there. Although he didn’t know him, he knew that whatever happened between them, he definitely played a part in it. A part he wished he could blot out of his life. 

****

“You knew that jerk?” Todd asked. Stunned and needled about how the night had gone. 

“I did. I worked with him some time. When I had just come out from juvie,” he replied, recalling a part of the low life he’s lived.

“And he had a thing with Keisha?” 

“Mmhm. I knew his type but I thought he was genuine about her that’s why I…” he trailed off.

“That’s why what?”

“Never mind. But I didn’t tell her the kind of person he was she wouldn’t have listened anyway.” He added.

“You liked her?” 

“No… Just that I didn’t like seeing her, you know… sad and all and I couldn’t have liked her. I was busy with other ladies…” he stammered a little. Even he didn’t believe himself.

“So you never hit on her?”

“Never. She wasn’t my type,” he quickly replied.

“I see. Looks to me like she was every bit of your type to me. You just didn’t feel like you deserved her,” Todd deduced. Mitch narrowed his eyes at him as if he’d just been discovered in a dark place he wanted to stay hidden. 

“The thing is, before she joined the group back then, I knew her. Didn’t know too much but I knew enough to tell she was one unhappy kid. She took bus rides all the time and worked at a restaurant. That was all I knew but every time she took those rides, I found out she always went on round trips, as if she was trying to stall from going somewhere… Those days, she was nothing like she is now. Maybe apart from the quietness…” he smiled a bit the more he remembered.

“She was pretty… looked so naive and vulnerable. Very polite and there were some things you’d never associate with her. That’s why I said she wasn’t my type of girl. Well, it doesn’t matter now. What’s happened has happened.” He snapped. 

“But if she wasn’t then, is she now? Since she’s playing the game you played before?” Todd asked.

“… No, she still isn’t, Todd,” he sighed.

“Stubborn kid. Anyway I think if you had just been a bit braver, you would have saved her enough trouble with that fool,” and Todd meant that as a compliment but Mitch was going to take the guilt for it. 

“You can’t be so sure, Todd. Truth is, that time I  wasn’t ready to let another woman in.  I believed that all of them, including my mother, would abandon me eventually so I thought I should treat them as such.”

“But women aren’t toys to be used and tossed aside, Mitch.”

“But I was, Todd. Was it alright for me to be tossed aside? By my mother and that girl who told that judge I raped her but apparently lured me herself  which got me paying for that mutual act three years of my life?” 

It was true that Mitch had come far in his life but there were clearly some wounds which still needed healing. Perhaps he may have reconciled with his mother but some things just won’t stop hurting even after treating it. He needed a little more time. 

Todd sat beside him on the bed and rubbed him gently. He apologized for touching a nerve and encouraged him.

“I’m sorry for how life has been for you but see, you’re becoming a better man now, Mitch. See the change in your life these past few months. No girl trouble, no po-po pressure or anything related. You have peace, now” he jerked his shoulder with his. 

“And that’s what I want for Keisha. To know the God you know now so she can live. I don’t know what you see when you look at her but it looks to me like she’s just existing and waiting for death,” he said and those last words tasted bitter and felt truer than he thought. 

“Everyone has scars and wounds, Mitch. But it’s the wounds which feel the most burns when exposed to the sun’s heat. Allow them to burn then we can talk about healing,” Todd finally said and got up. 

“I think our friends should be ready for us now,” he slipped into a comfortable shirt and headed out first. 

****

Laureen and Dave did a good job setting up a table for the five of them. They had some fruit juices at the center , some grilled cheese and chicken on the side and a potato salad as well. It was a simple meal good enough for a relaxed dinner. Todd took a seat beside Laureen waiting for the others to join them. 

“Are you going to eat through your nose-mask, Dave?” Todd looked at him questionably. Dave feigned a sneeze.

“Oh uh… I must have overworked myself. I don’t think I can join you guys tonight,” he replied. 

“Nonsense. Sleep doesn’t solve everything you know. A little laugh here and there will do more than you think and I know I’m funny,” he prided himself matter-of-factly.

“I appreciate the offer, Todd but I really want to take the night off,” Dave smiled through his mask. 

“You’re going to drag this if I don’t let you go, I guess. Alright then, enjoy your long silent night.” Dave appreciated his letting him off the hook and excused himself. 

“You’re leaving?” Keisha met him at the entrance to their hallway. 

“Yeah… it’s been a long day for me and I’m not so well myself,” he cleared his throat. 

“I see. Goodnight then,” she finally said and joined the others. 

Mitch followed a few moments later wishing him a goodnight as he made his way to his room. 

“He ain’t joining?”

“Says he’s tired,” Todd told him. He took his seat between Keisha and Laureen. 

“Interesting… After tonight, I’m thinking you hate him a little less now,” he aimed at Keisha. 

“You hate to see me quiet and staying out of trouble, don’t you?” She stabbed her chicken severally with her fork as she shot daggers at him. 

“Easy over there, miss.” 

“Can we share the grace before someone makes it to his grave?” Todd cut in. 

“Good idea,” Laureen supported and spread her hands to take Todd and Mitch’s hand.

“I think I can share the grace with just one hand.” He chuckled  nervously.

Keisha held no one’s hands and continued at her chicken. Todd said grace and they all joined in with an Amen. 

“So apart from the bad experience after the Mirror production was there anything we saw worth all the sacrifice we made to be there. In other words, your favorite part of the whole show. I think the play was impressive.”

“Oh… I didn’t get to see it since Ms. Bighead was all up in my business! I didn’t have a ticket but I swear I could have still sneaked a few peeks if she had just gotten out of my hair!” Laureen recounted her miserable story with Amanda during the show.

“You didn’t miss much,” Mitch tried to console her. 

“Well, I know their director is quite a jerk but I think their performance was exceptional,” Todd poured everyone a glass of cranberry juice. 

“Exceptional, probably but the whole play felt strangled with all those flashy props going on. Most of the things onstage were uncalled for,” Mitch countered.

“You are just talking about the play without telling me about the play!” Laureen interjected. 

“Okay okay okay, I’ll tell you…” Todd cleared his throat. 

“I think it was about a girl, she was dressed in white and it looked like she had lost her head or something. She had a black sack over her head. But there were mirrors all around her and she desperately wanted to see her reflection but couldn’t because she didn’t have a head. And there were some characters dressed in all kinds of clothes poking at her, I wonder what they are supposed to represent,” he paused. 

“The voices of the mirror,” Keisha finally spoke. 

“Those mirrors were supposed to have voices. I guess he wasn’t smart enough to grasp the full concept of that play,” she smirked. 

“W-what do you mean?” Todd asked her. His eyes were almost popping out. 

“That was the last play I wrote which we never got to show because I burnt it before it reached the other cast members,” she continued. She got everyone’s attention now but wasn’t going to be pressured by it. 

“Why did you burn it?” Laureen’s curiosity was eating her alive.

“I decided to quit writing-“

“But she’s changed her mind now,” Todd quickly cut in. Keisha smirked.

“Which now brings me to the next subject about our showcase…” he added. 

“Is there a way you can write that script you burned?”

Keisha paused at the thought of it. Was she ready to make peace with everything that hurt her from the past? She sat, still unsure of what to say especially when everyone was waiting for her to break the silence. 

“I don’t think I can…”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t remember.”

“That’s funny because you don’t look like you don’t but that’s alright. You can write whatever you want to write. It’s fine by me…” he said, finally turning to the others. 

“I’m going to now tell why I was very intrigued by the theme of those people’s production, in other words, yours. I thought the name The Mirror does sound like the most basic way to establish an identity. I mean it is through a mirror I first got introduced to myself, see?” He looked at Laureen’s inquisitive eyes and wondered if she understood any of what he was saying. 

“Where are you going with this Todd?” Mitch asked knowing his friend had a way of using objects to drive home a message. He had his sun project to tell him that. 

“Glad you asked. Now, if it is through a mirror I first saw myself then how did Adam first see himself?” 

Mitch and Laureen totally lost him at this point but Laureen tried to follow. 

“If there were no mirrors then he must have seen his face in the waters!” She exclaimed. 

“That’s clever. And while that may be true, can you tell me what then is the mirror of our inner selves?” Todd grew serious this time. They stared at each other blankly but Keisha was still on her meal, almost done with her portion. 

When Todd saw their cluelessness, he began to slowly share the salvation message making reference to the fall of man in the garden and what Jesus came to do to restore man’s image- the image of God, as the Bible puts it. He told how Jesus is the perfect mirror through which we see who we really are and made to be.

Although Mitch had heard the story before, he had never really heard it in the context of mirrors, in the sense of lost identities. Laureen followed closely what Todd had to say and also gave her something to think about. Her mother had been very hard on her for this same Jesus and when she was younger, she never really wanted to know him because she thought if Jesus knew her mother, then He’d probably take her side over here any day. However, hearing Todd speak about Him in that way got her wondering if she saw Him wrongly back then. 

Keisha finished her dinner hurriedly and excused herself from the table. She found her way through the doors out to the streets and decided to get some fresh air and do some stargazing. It wasn’t what she intended but she’d rather be anywhere than in a place where her ex-friend was mentioned.

“Beautiful work of art isn’t it?” Someone spoke behind her and she quickly turned. 

“I thought you guys were having a bible study or something in there. I wasn’t interested that’s why I left. Sorry if I interrupted,” she spoke rather quietly.

“I know you weren’t interested but I wish you still stayed anyway,” Todd smiled wanly. He ambled over to her side and joined her stargaze. 

“It’s amazing how the stars and the moon shine so brightly in their own space,” he added. 

“Makes me think that no matter how dark things around us are, we can always shine through them if we’re facing the Light of the world,” he continued.

“No offense Todd but I’m really not up for this right now.” she hugged herself in the cold.

“Indeed you aren’t, but things in life don’t happen to us when we’re ready for them. Good and bad alike, they all just happen without our permission,” he replied.

“… Interesting perspective but I thought you served a God who well, controlled your lives,” she asked sarcastically, finally feeling up for a debate. 

“Indeed I do but what can He do if I refuse to go the path He wants me to go?” 

She chortled at him, slightly amused by his words. 

“So… you mean to tell me that you can do as He wants or wills, however you call it, yet He can still permit bad things to happen to you?”

Todd had to choose his words carefully now that he had her attention and knew it might probably be the only chance he’d ever have with her. But she was a hard one and he had no time, at that moment, to pray and seek the Lord about her. 

“Everything that happens in our life is to build a certain character in us, Keisha?” 

“Oh so now it’s about character?” She couldn’t help the laughter but it sounded more like an angry one. 

“Tell me something, Todd. How can a mother’s rejection build character in me? How can a gang-rape, humiliation and ridicule build character?” Her voice trembled at the mention of each word.

He wasn’t expecting one human being to have all these wounds deeply hidden in their hearts. 

“I’m… I’m very sorry you had to go through all these Keisha and more sorry that I do not have all the answers but I know it was not God’s will for you to experience all these horrible things.”

“First of, I don’t need apologies. Secondly, if it wasn’t His will, why did He let it happen. I thought He was God enough to intervene in the affairs of men or was it because no one was praying for me?” She laughed at the thought. 

“Yeah right. I dunno a soul who would pray for me so perhaps I’m doomed, I guess.” She scoffed lightly.

“Keisha-“

“No Todd. I’m not going to live the rest of my life like a gambler guessing whether or not He’d save me from every trouble and if because of that you’re afraid you’ll be unequally yoked with me then … the door is wide opened.” She turned away from him. 

“Keisha, I can never relate with what you went through and never understand but if there’s one thing that keeps me going it is in this one fact: that all things work together for the good of those who love God,” Todd added.

“That’s why I said you should leave me alone. Because I don’t have any love to give to Him,” she said bitterly. 

“You’re sure? Can you remember when you were a child- you didn’t have any of all these things. You just lived life simply-“

“You know nothing about my childhood.” 

“I don’t but you know. And if you’d be honest, you probably knew this God and you believed He was good even if you didn’t know much about Him. Now, do you really believe that God wanted all those things you went through to happen to you? I am not asking about why He allowed it. I am asking if that’s what He wanted.” She  got quiet at that.

“Do you sincerely believe, that the God who intentionally made His Son suffer such a demeaning and terrible death for you would want you to go through all those depressing moments? Then where is His love in all these, you might ask? But Keisha we have a very bad enemy who would do anything to destroy your relationship with your Father. Sometimes the resentment we hold against God makes it look as if the devil does nothing. I can assure you that everything that happened to you was designed by that enemy, yet you’re not mad at him but your own Father. Why He didn’t stop this, why did He allow that, it’s because we are in an evil world and everything has been programmed into that evil. God wants to have His way in your life but until you let Him in, you’ll still be trapped in this evil programming. You can get angry with God but let me challenge you too on this. Before you do, find out who He really is in the Scriptures before you point a finger at Him to blame Him for whatever. Remember He also allowed His Son to die a shameless death.” he riposted and turned to leave while she still looked the other way. 

“And Keisha… I’ve been praying, for you.” He added quietly.

He saw Mitch standing at the entrance watching them and smiled softly at him. He didn’t say a word and only walked past him into their room. He watched her from that distance and wondered if it’d be a good idea to join her there given how rough the night had been. After a few minutes, he walked silently to her and stood a few meters behind. 

Still thinking it was Todd, she wrapped herself up tighter as if she was cringing in shame of what she had just said. It was dawning on her that she had been rude a while back and although she owed him no apology or explanation, she just felt differently towards him, maybe because he was a pastor. 

“I’ve never really been happy, Todd…” she started. Her voice was less daunting this time. 

“My family… everything has just been… a mess.” She sighed.

“ I never wanted to end up like this. I also had a dream. I had fantasies about marriage like any girl but…” she choked a little. She continued before Mitch took another step close to her. 

“I always asked myself why God didn’t stop them from doing what they did!” She sniffled. It’s as if any subject about God got her tearing up again and again. 

“I had never been so scared before in my life…. I had never thought I’d be robbed of such a thing from a man, let alone three of them. I always thought those were things that happened in books,” she scoffed through her forming tears.

“Until it happened to me…. Until I felt the cruelty of it,” she covered her mouth to stifle another sob. 

“How am I supposed to believe that God loves me through all that? Tell me, Todd. How am I …” her voice faded. 

Mitch walked over to her side and wrapped his arms around her. She gasped a little when she saw who she had been speaking to all that while. 

“I’m sorry I sneaked up on you… Todd left awhile back and I was worried about you that’s why I came. I didn’t mean to invade your privacy. But if it helps, I’m going to pretend I never heard or saw anything. You can cry all you want. Think of me as a pillow,” he smiled nervously. 

“You’re as hard as a rock yet you think you can be a pillow,” she sniffled and buried herself in his arms soaking his shirt with drops of her warm tears, finally sharing the burden she had had to carry for years. Even though she intended to never let him in on her past, she felt relieved to have told him even if she didn’t think he was the one supposed to hear. 

Her phone buzzed and she broke away from his arms and retrieved it from her dress pocket. They both saw who it was and Mitch desperately hoped she wouldn’t pick it up. 

“Excuse me,” she said, looking away from him awkwardly and stepping back to pick it up.

“Hey love,” the caller said. 

“Jamal…”

“Are you alright? You don’t sound so good.”

“Um… sorry. I just had a long day.”

“Alright. When are you returning? I have a surprise for you.” He chimed.

“Tomorrow…” she hesitated. 

“Great. Can’t wait to have you here, with me, together, just-“

“I have to go now, Jamal. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she cut him.

“Sure hun. I love you,” he said finally. Keisha hung up. She noticed how Mitch watched her carefully like she had just been caught in some kind of trouble. 

“You don’t need him, Keisha.” He broke the silence.

“Stay out of my business,” she snapped lightly.

“He’s a married man. You can’t trust him!” He was exasperated by her stubbornness.

“And you think I can trust you?” She retorted. He felt the sting of it.

“Thought as much…” he scoffed at himself for believing things were getting better for both of them. 

“Goodnight,” he added and walked back into the motel leaving her behind.

****

Her husband had been sleeping in the couch for the past week. The few interactions she counted on to relate with him in the house were slowly fading away. He fixed his own meals, did his laundry and Darren’s when he could and a few other things. His relationship with their son hadn’t changed but for the both of them, they looked like roommates. He didn’t even realize the change in her body or the gradual growth in her belly. He was too preoccupied with his own gratification and how to please the love of his life.

Today she arrived home late only to find him making a light package. He looked like he was going to travel or something related, seeing how he carefully folded his clothes in a small suitcase. 

“Are you traveling?” She asked him, surprised he hadn’t mentioned anything about it even if they were on good terms.

“Mmmhm,” he kept his lips sealed. 

“Can I ask where?” 

“Just around,” he brushed her off. 

“Oh… okay,” she smiled wanly. She got the message he was trying to convey. 

“I guess you’re leaving tonight,” she added. When she saw he was ignoring her, she said nothing else and made way to the kitchen to get herself something to snack on from the fridge.

Immediately he finished, he threw his bag over his shoulders and left, bolting the door behind him. 

“It’s getting difficult, Lord” she leaned against the fridge and rubbed her growing tummy. 

“What do I do when I’m so exhausted? What are you trying to tell me, Jesus? What am I not doing right? I’m afraid I’m losing my sanity by the day…” she inhaled deeply and held her tears which fought so hard to fall.