Chapter Eleven

Dinner was over and Yvette with her family retired early to bed. Cookie knew spending another minute between an unhappy mother and a rebellious daughter on the same table would drain the life out of her. She hastily joined Yvette as they left the hall not realizing when she left her phone on the pink table runner. Shelby was so grossed in her tweets that she did not realize the table was getting emptied of its people. Richmond had to call her attention.

“Shelby, do you mind taking me to your room?” He wished to see Jamie but he wasn’t about to mention his name there.

“Umm, sure” she replied, sassy as always. Both of them headed out and left the last two behind. 

Invisible words travelled from each of them to the other filling the gap between them with those silent words. The only regrettable thing was, none of them heard them.

“Goodnight.” Keisha got up to leave.

“Sit.” Her stoic voice did not give much room for negotiation.

“I didn’t plan on passing the night.”

“And you really thought I will watch you travel in the middle of the night back to your God-forsaken swamp?”

“You’re right, I did. You did that three years ago and as we can see, not much has changed since then,” she took a sip of her juice though she wished it was one of her usuals. A strong drink for a heavy night would have been ideal.

“You left by yourself” she tried to defend herself as she still spoke in that tone.

“Oh, then I must have assumed too much when I thought I had a mother who would care enough to look for me.” She smiled wanly.

“You’ve gained quite a tongue since you left.”

“Right. I needed to survive in the swamp after all,” still with her curved lips.

Sally stifled a cough. The whole night was overbearing with all its weightiness and pressure. Now that she was alone with this young lady, she didn’t feel the need to sedate any more of those piercing stabs. The servants walked in a file to come pick up after them but she stopped them.

“No need to clear up now,” she cleared her throat, trying to block another cough and they obeyed and returned.

“What now? Are you going to tell me to clean instead? Again? Keisha smirked and her mother knew exactly what she was driving at.

“I see you still bear that grudge.” She got up and paced leisurely around the table, drawing closer and closer to her. Keisha did not move an inch and couldn’t stand looking back at her. She was filled with all kinds of emotions waiting to happen. Some she didn’t have it in her power to express and others she felt were best kept concealed, to satisfy the last dreg of conscience she had left. So, the only thing she could do was be silent and let the silence do the talking.

“You’re going to be disappointed if you think I’m going to apologize for that,” she sighed.

“Whatever I did, was all for your good”, she leaned on the seat in front of her and saw the look of disdain on her face when she slightly curled one side of her mouth.

“I never expected a motherly love from you, so I would be dreaming if I hoped once for an apology from you”, she gave a wider grin.

“Besides, whatever happened years ago wasn’t for my own good but yours. Face it, Sally. You had a great record. You needed to keep that shelf beautified with all those righteous deeds modeled  in the form of trophies. No one’s going to judge you for that, because like God, you have the gavel in your han-“ and before she could end her statement, that hand she almost spoke of  landed heavily on her cheek leaving behind thin red streaks on her face. 

“You would watch your mouth, you little terror”, she chided.

Sally could hardly maintain her intimidating posture now and she began to feel those little nameless things crawling up her chest. Keisha still had her head turned to the direction she was slapped. She didn’t move a limb and all she did was smile through the stinging pain.

“I just realized how much I’ve missed you… Sally,” she finally looked up at her. And before she said another word someone interrupted them.

“Did you ask me to bring her here just to do that?” Cookie glared at her mother.

“Cookie, stay out of this. I don’t need you to feel any pity for me”, Keisha placed a flying lock of hair behind her ear and wiped off some spots of blood from her nostrils. Ideally, a mere slap would not break her nose- she was stronger than that. However, they failed to notice the decline in her health even then.

“It’s not about you, Keisha. It’s about someone calling for a family dinner only to look good in her books and to force the very children she drove away to relate with her like nothing ever happened.” Cookie was seething this time.

“I appreciate the fact that you think you have to join in this fight but please stay out of this. I don’t want you fighting in my ring.” Keisha stopped her, eyes dead serious.

Angered and agitated, Cookie cussed at them and picked up her item from the pink satin and left. Keisha kept her gaze on her mother and fought those tears from falling down. Why couldn’t she have that normal lovely relationship folks had with their mothers? The kind of mothers who tucked their kids to bed, or read to them or even bought them nice clothes for parties and the like. Why does she have to be treated like a stranger by her own mother?

If she hadn’t met the likes of Naomi and even that old nurse, she would have never known what real mothers are like. And that was huge, her mother made even the old nurse look good.

“Happy Mothers Day, Sally. But I only wish you as a stranger because I lost my mom ten years ago when she chose her nephew over her daughter”, her voice trailed off and then she got up to walk away.

“Whatever I did then was to protect you, Keisha. I don’t care if you don’t believe it…”

“You had something to protect alright but it wasn’t me, Sally. I believe you know that much…” she protested, still trying her best to keep her calm but the paintings of anger and resentment couldn’t wash off her face.

“Young lady, you may run your mouth off at anyone but you should know your place when you stand before me! It’s hard enough as it is to know I can expect nothing from you but at least your respect for me must be in order. I know I did my best to bring you up but you were just too thick-skinned to follow the path I had planned for you. You can’t blame me for that,” Sally chided.

Keisha gave her a pallid smile. Hearing her spit those words just reminded her of what she must never forget- who she is in her mother’s eyes. She was at a loss but the night would be incomplete if she doesn’t offload some things off her chest. She had to choose her next words tentatively.

“You’re good for nothing…. You never get anything right. Perhaps waiting tables may be the only thing you’re good for and nothing more… You humiliate me… These are words I took like a daily pill from you, Sally. Not to speak of dragging me out of school and telling me it was a waste to invest in my education…?” Her voice grew wavy but she wasn’t done.

“When all my peers went to high school, I waited tables at your restaurant. I want to ask, was that all part of your exclusive parenting style?” Emotions filled her throat as she spoke but there was no reply. Her broken heart gave way for a tear and she laughed it away softly.

“You showed me who I am at an early age. You worked so hard at it that nothing I ever did won your heart no matter how much I tried. So I’ve accepted the identity you gave me… Don’t try to change it now, otherwise I might actually disappoint you…” She said nothing more and walked away.

Sally bowed her head slightly stung with regret. She leaned against a chair and indulged her own thoughts. She knew she was wrong. She knew she owed her too much to not pay for it this way. But shouldn’t bringing them up in the way of the Lord earn her some forgiveness from them without her asking, especially since her pride was at stake? That’s what she thought anyway. But what she failed to see was that she brought them up in her way and not the Lord’s.

Seven years ago…

She had just arrived from work at the café, after the disappointing news regarding her school’s admission. After missing school for a few years because of a setback, she decided to try and get back on her feet again. However it didn’t look like that was happening anytime soon. The rejection didn’t get her that upset as much as what she’d face at home. Debbie, her supervisor, was kind enough to give her the rest of the day off.

“Hey, you get home first and try to calm yourself down”, she advised not sure if Sally, her boss, would take the news lightly.

“There’s no calmness at home, Debbie. You already know Sally. I’m better off here,” she sighed. Debbie had thought she was just muttering words but that was her reality. She never had a sound sleep ever since she was able to read and write. Her mother was such a perfectionist and her dad, the less said the better. They both never understood the frailties of a girl-child when budding and expected so much from her in everything – from schoolwork, homework and even church. Her mother pushed her into the ushering team before she even turned eight.

“Why ushering? What if she wants to sing?” one of the deaconesses once asked her mother.

“She needs to learn that life is about humility. Besides, I’ve heard a lot about what goes on in that choir. It sounds like Satan himself resides in there. I wouldn’t want my daughter’s name sullied by associating with them” Sally retorted with that usual pensive look of hers. However, Keisha always lowered her mother’s expectations day after day in every other area of her life and she could feel it through her mother’s plastic warmth towards her, especially in her words.

“Oh you don’t have to bother. Perhaps you’re just not good at it” she’d usually say. Discouragement was the new encouragement. She was never even challenged to try anything new. In her mother’s heart, she had given up on her but to play the role of a parent, she had to show concern to mask the hidden stance she had already taken towards her own daughter. So all she learned to do was serve, as an usher and then, in addition, as a waiter in her restaurant.

Everything was happening just as she had expected it to be. She got rejected from the school she had applied to. It was devastating enough to have to watch her family at each other’s throats every day and her only means of escape would have been to go to school but now, even that was taken away from her.

Her siblings had all found ways to move on with their lives away from home so she hardly got to see them home yet, they  had a lot to say about her life. Yvette was newly married. Rich was always up and about and Cookie had just started this blogging career. She could tell she’d be an influencer in a few months. 

Being the youngest and bearing it all from her folks, she thought she too could be like them but who was she kidding? Her dad had extramarital affairs and called it “the real man’s culture”, and he put a suit over his immorality for church every Sunday. Her mother suffered a terminal disease which got her behaving a little more intense than normal and at the end of it all, someone had to be the bin to take in all the junk from both parents and there was no better candidate than her.

“Sally… you are the failure,” she whispered after that voice in her head as she recalled those memories.

****

Rich finally found Jamie perched on their floor’s railing looking lost like he always did. He thought he understood his silence because he too had his. Although they were cousins they related more as brothers. Looking out for themselves from childhood in both the good and the bad but he didn’t understand the sudden change in his cousin’s attitude. He hardly said anything about what was going on with him to him. It was quite unfortunate that their friendship was losing its meaning and Rich didn’t seem to know why. He hardly recalled when it started whether it was three years ago or earlier because it felt subtle when it started.

He thought it was around the time Jamal left but now that he thought deeper, he realized it could have been earlier. 

“Hey, how long are you going to cut me out?” Rich broke the silence, staring in the same direction he did.

“It’s hard enough for me to” he sighed.

“Then don’t. We’re homies. We stick together,” he threw an arm over his shoulder.

“Yet Jamal is gone,” 

“Are you now going to point that out?” Rich asked flatly.

“It’s not my place. After all, I’m no better than you,” 

“Don’t you think it’s about time we moved on?”

“Can you?” Jamie looked at him and he found his answer in his eyes. 

“That’s what I thought”, he smiled. 

“But you should move on…” Rich said.

“If only you knew what that means,” the thought of him telling him what he’s done crippled him. 

“I have something to tell you. That’s why I cut you out”

“Well then, out with it already,” Rich chipped.

“If it was easy to say I wouldn’t be like this…”

“Then tell me in your own time but don’t cut yourself out. It’s not easy to find friends these days” Rich clamped his shoulder.

“You know we’re bad for each other as friends. We have many years to prove that,” he added still not budging.

“Then we can change that,” Rich said, sounding as ready as he could ever be. If that was what would get his friend back then he’d do anything.

“But it’s too late, Rich. Unless we go back to right the wrongs,” he added. Rich stared at him like he’s lost his mind.

“Right the wrongs? Man, you don’t mean I should go back to Marisa and all those girls to apologize for what they equally enjoyed, right?” Jamie wished he could tell them not everyone enjoyed it but he was too spineless to spit it out.

“It’s not about what we enjoyed. It was wrong,” he croaked a little.

“Man, I knew you should have moved in with me. Seems to me the old ladies’ church thingy has gotten you beating yourself up like their Jesus. He took those beating for you for a reason, Jame,” he patted his shoulder, not realizing in his aim to sound sarcastic he was actually “preaching” truth.

“Besides, I don’t recall you getting into much of that kind of trouble yourself so why are you acting so worked up? Did you get a girl pregnant too?” He leaned closer, hoping to get an answer but he just saw his cousin break out in sweat.

“I don’t know but I think so,” his voice wavered.

“Please bro, don’t go thinking things which may or may not have happened. For all you know, whoever that girl is, she’s prolly hosted many fellas in there,” Rich made light of it but Jamie was clearly unamused. He knew his cousin was only trying to make him feel better but it wasn’t working

“She wasn’t that kind of girl, Rich… I was her first…” his voice broke. Rich understood him completely because he thought of Marissa. Although he had defended himself all these years that whatever happened between them was fun for both of them, he knew that he owed her much more than an apology. He owed her a responsibility he would rather reject but the shock came in when his own friend humiliated him by taking it up.

“I didn’t know you stained a dove too,” Rich quietly said, sliding a hand into his pocket.

“Have you checked up on them too?” He continued.

“No…” Rich replied.

Jamie wasn’t surprised to hear that. They understood each other too well to be surprised at anything they both did.

“Who cares if I do? It’d be stupid of me to be stalking them when I know how they’re all around each other,” Rich added, trying to keep his nonchalant demeanor. Jamie hadn’t asked for his reason but Rich had to air it out if he was going to keep his sanity for the next few days. It was killing him that he was young and stupid enough to let a great girl slip past him. Now she was married and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Are they living well?” Jamie steered off the subject which was aimed at him.

“I don’t know, but I know Jamal would do his best by her”, he pursed his lips.

“And the child?”

“He is where he belongs. That’s one thing I know.” Rich brushed his hair slightly.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” Jamie replied and heaved a sigh.

“I’ll leave first. I have something to take care of,” Jamie finally said and turned to leave.

“If you were me, what would you do?” Rich asked him.

“I’d what I’m doing- righting the wrong, no matter how terrible it was,” Jamie smiled and walked away.

****

She was finally back in her suite. The night wasn’t so bad for her especially because she was able to put some people in their place. That felt so good and it would have been better if she wasn’t fighting symptoms throughout that time. She had reactions in her chest she hid perfectly well with her sitting posture, the drips of blood she kept sniffling in to keep from falling and the watery eyes she blinked away severally. Had she not been slapped there’d be no proof that she was battling a disease but even then no one could tell.

She slipped out of her slightly stained plain dress and tossed it into the single couch by her bedside and sunk into the Jacuzzi for a soaking warm bath. How long it had been taking a good bath. As she gently splashed water on herself with her legs she just played back the awesome dinner they just had.

“Mmm… what a night,” she inhaled deeply and breathed out. It wasn’t long before she heard a silent knock on her door.

“Looks like everyone wants to say hi”, she puffed out some air wanly, leaning her head against the edge of the tub. She was already exhausted from having to entertain another person. Her hopes to stay longer in the tub were now dashed. Pulling a towel around herself she stepped out of the tub to the dry floor with her wet feet dripping with water. She slid into one of the guests’ bathrobe from the wardrobe. It totally escaped her to look through the peephole but somehow she expected it to be Cookie.

“Hi… Keisha” he stood with hands behind him like a grade school student but he was hiding his jittery fingers.

Her head immediately began to spin and her heart raced crazily as she felt the surge of her anger slowly rising from her heart. But she had to be calm. Three years had passed since they last met. A few minutes with him tonight and she doesn’t have to worry about meeting him in a long time or forever, if she so desired.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you, I could come at a better time” he saw beads of water dripping down her hair and running down her face. Her features may have looked more radiant on account of that seeing how her skin glistened under the warm lights in her room. 

“What is it, Jamie?” Her face filled with the coldness that had filled her soul for all those years.

“I… I just wanted a moment with you” he stuttered.  

“What for? To apologize?” She chuckled softly at him, leaning against the door.

“N-no. Just, for old times’ sake” He stammered a bit more and it was awfully hard to keep his gaze on her. He wished he could have said something less patronizing but he was blank. And having to fight long enough for this moment with her, he didn’t mind if whatever he said was dumb, he just wanted to talk.

“Yeah right, for old times’ sake. Please…” She teased, opening the door a little wider and ushering him in with a dubious smile.

She sat by her window, facing outside with her arms wrapped around herself, avoiding any form of eye contact with him. Jamie on the other hand, had never felt this flustered and uncomfortable in his whole life but he needed to find his closure. He had battled long enough and was now tired.

“Shasha,” hoping that would break the ice.

“You really shouldn’t call me that,” she yawned slightly.

“I’m sorry. But all I want to say is, I’m sorry, Keisha. I know everything I did is totally unforgivable-“

“If you know this then what do you want from me?” She switched. Tempers were rising.

“I… I just want to be selfish one last time to ask for my sister back,” Wrong choice of words, and even he, knew that.

“Your sister? I don’t see Shelby here, do you?” she teased him.

“I mean you, Keish. I miss you so much. I miss being that jerk of a brother who always got on your nerves” his voice heavy with longing.

“Isn’t it too late for that? I mean, given our history, haven’t you known me a little more intimate than a sister? Besides, our mothers called that incident a child’s play” She turned to look into his eyes. She hardly stifled a chuckle. The shame that flushed his face was so strong that his legs felt like they were going to drop him.

“You must have thought that whatever happened that day could be the same as hiding my doll or stealing from my piggybank or invading my diary, which can be nulled with just an apology,” she scoffed and paced around the room.

“Sure. I accept your apology. You may leave now. Your sins have been washed away by that blood,” she smirked. They both knew it wasn’t Jesus’ blood.

“Keisha-“ his voice too faint to be heard and she was almost taken by his emotions.

“Or what else is there? Jamie, for your own sake, I’m afraid if you still hold on to me like this, I won’t be able to let you go …And I’m not going to hold you like the sister you miss so much”, she paused in her whisper into his ears. It sounded exactly as he heard- a seduction. Almost immediately, tears rained down his eyes at the thought of who she had become now. He couldn’t hold them back no matter how much he tried to be manly about it.

“Oh… you got soft, huh? Boring”, she feigned concern. Jamie couldn’t help but apologise over and over even to the point of kneeling before her and gripping her leg. 

“I’m so sorry, Keisha. I was so stupid, I don’t know what got into me” he whimpered. She stood, unbothered by the whole drama before her. Her heart had stopped feeling anyway and her eyes which would usually bring forth rain now had drought. 

“Are you still going to hold me like this when I just warned you? Or do you have a change of heart now? The bed is already laid though. I will be obedient this time, I promise. I won’t scream like …that night…” she hesitated. 

“Please, please stop…” Jamie wept softly.

“Oh why? Does it bite now? See I just came out of the tub. I wish I stayed longer in it, you know,” she engaged in her one-man conversation, gently stroking him where it’d wind him up. With trembling hands and sniffling nose, he left her. He wasn’t about to see what his crazy cousin was now capable of doing. He still knelt with his head bowed and his mind played over and over the regrettable things he did which had resulted in everything she had become.

“I’m very sorry, Keisha”, he sniffled.

“Fine. For old time’s sake, do you want to know how I lived?” She sounded a bit composed now and less scary. 

“Well, where do we start from? Should we start from the time you made me look like a joke in front of my mother? Or from where you ruined what could have been my first love relationship?”

“No, for your own sake, I’ll keep that story to myself,” she added with a compassionate smile.

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